Boyz II Men

Last year, my two best friends and I dressed up as football referees for Halloween.

We had the little black and white striped tops, mini skirts, whistles, yellow flags and hats. We even learned the signals so we could call, "Offsides," "Illegal Use of Hands," and "Too Many Men on the Field."

We walked into the party and proceeded to chat in our close circle when a man approached, skipping. He was also in costume: a blonde, pony-tailed wig (I think it may have been on backwards, actually) and blue polyester cheerleader costume, complete with pleated skirt and hairy man naval-exposing halter top. He had huge biceps for a cheerleader, I remember. He effortlessly "broke the huddle" by saying, in a woman's voice, "Guys are such dicks!"

Ha! It was the best one-liner ever. We laughed for fifteen, maybe twenty minutes after. Nobody else stood a chance that night.

It's funny because it's true.

What is with guys these days? Even guys-dressed-as-girls notice it! Are we all just more insecure than ever? I blame the tabloids. They broadcast every teeny, potentially embarassing moment all over their covers as if it were the most mortifying thing on earth. They rip their subjects to shreds at any and every sign of weakness. And, these rags sell like hot cakes. We salivate and consume every juicy rumor. Why? Does it make us feel better about ourselves?

The answer is no. It doesn't just suck for the poor (and by that I mean rich), anorexic, drunken, drug-riddled celebrities who get stalked round-the-clock. I think it also has serious social repercussions (and by that I mean it affects me negatively). I think men and women alike are afraid that if we take a risk and show someone else we think he or she is impressive, we will exude some strange hint of weakness and immediately expose ourselves to front-cover rejection and mocking.

Why else has the old-fashioned phone call gone out of vogue? Even if you do manage to get to know someone well enough to swap digits, it's almost certain that a text message or email is in your future. I.T. folks call it PEBKAC -- Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.

It's understandable; a text message is a small, safe morsel of sentiment. Gone are the days of charming over-the-air banter and gazing into each others' eyes over a steamy cup of coffee or god-forbid dinner and a movie.

Text messaging is cute. Emailing is a good way to indicate, "Hey, I was thinking of you." But, dammit, is it too much to ask for the call -- at least at first? Am I wrong to think that the text message plainly states, "By the way, I'm not that into you"? Am I an old fuddy-duddy? Do I need to progress with technology? Probably.

But it's so much easier to point the finger! It's them; it's him! Me? Leave my comfort zone? Am I ready for that? It's so... uncomfortable. What if I end up on the front cover of the South Bay Times, dumped? But, I guess if I ask someone else to be uncomfortable, I need to be willing to reciprocate... a little. Here goes: I will try not to rip on those who choose to text instead of call -- to their faces or to my friends. I will try to be sympathetic and perhaps even hip to my times and get with the program. However, talking on the phone, no matter how awkward, is my "method of choice." How was that?

"Call me! On the line. Call me, call me any, any time. Call me! On the line. You can call me any day or night. Call me!"
-- Blondie



PS I wish I could say I wrote this in the ninth grade.