Flexitarian

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

September 15, 2006: flexitarian

some one who essentially eats just vegetables (as well as fish, eggs &
milk) who's not too uptight about eating meat occasionally as a matter
of convenience; a lenient vegetarian

Rather than offend his hosts, he ate a good-sized portion of the
spaghetti a la carbonara they offered rather than making a meal out of
salad, bread & dessert. Why go hungry? I'm a flexitarian.



One morning about two years ago, I woke up at my friend's house to find that I could barely see at all. I also quickly found that I could see something I had never seen before -- the tops of my cheeks. It was difficult to open my eyes and when I went to rub them, I could barely get my fist to my lids because my face was so puffed up. What the hell?

I jumped up and ran to the mirror and what I had hoped was my groggy imagination or the end of a nightmare was the sure-as-shit truth. I had been beaten by the ugly stick! The eyes, though sunken, were mine. The hair, though disheveled, was mine. But the rest... My face was red and deformed. I had hives on my forehead and all the way around the back of my neck. That's not me! Something was horribly wrong and I was 45 miles from home on a Sunday.

How did this happen? I went to bed my normal self and mutated all night into a monster! Did I offend God? Hmm. Well, I'm no saint, but karma isn't cruel! What did I eat that was different? Shrimp? That avacado dip last night? It's not Corona...nooooo! Limes? Tortilla chips? Could it have been my lunch? What's the timeline for turning into an ogre face? I had no answer. I called in ugly to work the next day.

The allergist couldn't figure it out. When they did the scratch test, every single square on my back erupted. She said she'd only seen that happen once before. Maybe I'm allergic to people scratching me.

The blood test came back negative to every common allergen. I was told to carry Benadryl at all times because my throat may close up the next time and I won't know what caused the reaction.

When a year passed without consequence, I chalked it up to a freak occurance and moved on. Of course, as soon as I forgot about it, it happened again. A true sequel, it was bigger, badder and uncensored. I woke up at another friend's house with hives all over my face and neck. Being ugly shook me; not knowing why terrified me. Why couldn't it happen in the comfort of my own home, so I could keep my huge blazing Medusa head to myself?

You know why? Because it is FEATHERS! I am allergic to down. Rubbing my face and neck all over down pillows in my sleep is what pissed off my skin. Down pillows have no place in my home because they suck. You get all cozy and then the end of a feather pops out and stabs your face. I hated them before and now they turn me into an overnight disaster Oompa Loompa. Talk about adding insult to injury!

I fucking hate birds. They're gross. They squak and have creepy feet their shits fly and splatter. Beady eyes, beaks -- when Napoleon Dynamite asks about "large talons," I want to vomit. Eggs -- worse yet, yolks! Gag. Gag again. And now, it's a medical condition.

Enter avian bird flu -- hands down the most replusive thing on earth. Sick. Birds.

I am pretty much a vegetarian now. Anything poultry is paltry. Beef doesn't bother me as much, but I'm sticking to seafood, tofu and veggies whenever possible. Ba gawk!