You go, Gore!

Betty, if you call me, you can call me Al...

I watched the Al Gore episode of Oprah last week. Remember him?

It seems he's been busy since the robbery "in the year 2000." He talked all about global warming and showed stats and pictures of different glaciers just twenty years ago and today. It's pretty undeniable -- they are melting. It's scary.

I haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth yet (I wait until movies come out on cable), but even just the Oprah show has gotten me to rethink a few things. The executive summary is that we all need work together to reduce our emission of carbon dioxide or the glaciers will melt and we (not to mention our kids) will be fucked. It's happening now.

Here are the five suggestions he offers to help slow/reverse the damage:

1. Get those green light bulbs! Changing five of your regular bulbs to these things is like taking 100,000 cars off the road in one year, according to Al. They cost like five bucks each. Give them as gifts this holiday. How easy!

2. Household water heaters emit lots of CO2 -- who knew? Get a blanket insulator thing to wrap around it. Gore went to Lowe's. I recommend your local helpful hardware store, Ace Hardware. Mother Earth and I will be happy either way.

3. Solar powered outdoor lights -- they charge up during the day and emit no carbon dioxide at all.

4. Programmable thermostats set to 70 degrees.

5. Energy efficient appliances -- Energy Star, people.

For the holidays, I am wrapping my gifts in newspaper and reused gift bags. Why buy yet another roll of wrapping paper that will sit in a landfill? Check your inbox because I'm sending emails instead of using paper to mail my holiday greetings. We have a dishwasher -- no expensive, wasteful disposables! It's just lazy, really.

Also, no more bags when I go shopping. I'll bring my own from now on. Is it really that difficult to think ahead? I say no. Also, we will be recycling our tree to make mulch and I'm reconsidering paper towels all together.

Here are my Earth-friendly New Year's resolutions for 2007:

My poor car is about to shit the bed; the next one will be a hybrid. I will drive triumphantly alone in the carpool lane (eh, I'll take any excuse to celebrate my solitude), slowing only to high-five Leonardo DiCaprio as we efficiently pass, knowing. He will likely develop a crush on me. "How can someone so hot emit so few CO2 toxins?"

I am going to get on my company's case about recycling. I bought the department special bins, but everyone still mixes regular trash with the white paper. It drives me crazy! It ends in January. "Are you going to recycle that?"

I will switch my entire apartment over to those cool lightbulbs.

No more disposable utensils and plastic bags -- I'll bring my lunch in tupperware and a lunch box and eat with a metal fork like the grown-ups do.

You know, I almost forgot what I hippie I once was. Thank you, thank you, Mr. Vice President for the reminder! I am intrigued by your theory and wish to subscribe to your newsletter...

And you, dear reader, I hope you consider doing something -- anything -- differently. Even if you don't believe in "global warming," it couldn't hurt to reduce, reuse, recycle. Plant a tree. Say no to styrofoam. Walk somewhere instead of driving once in a while. You know your worst offenses. Get off your ass and quit being so selfish! It's only going to get worse unless we all act now.

Pass it along.